dior, <lj user="1964">

Flying So High

 So It's been a while, quite a while. And that makes me realize even more that I have to do something about my weight. I've been ana for about a year, but I haven't lost any weight. I skip, but it never affects anything. My parents are both obese, which makes me feel even more of a need to get myself in control. I simply will not let myself get to be like that. I feel so fat.
   Theres a layer of fat around my sides, and I have a little man-boob problem. I've simply got to get rid of it! I'm so tired of starting diets though, because I know that usually they won't work, and I'll be left feeling overwhelmed and like a failure again. I've done the pills, the meals, the plans, the schedule, gosh. None of it really works. Maybe I'm just lazy. I have to get rid of this weight! It's killing me. It's not a lot, but I have a BMI of 25.8.  That's not that bad right? Well look at this:

BMI Categories:

  • Underweight = <18.5
  • Normal weight = 18.5-24.9
  • Overweight = 25-29.9
  • Obesity = BMI of 30 or greater

    Scary Huh? Just a few more pounds and I'd be at obesity; not where I want to be. Not only is my weight a problem, but I just really wanna get the figure I've always wanted. I want to get muscular calves, and some good definition in the abdominals, not abs, but some healthy lines. I want some good arm muscles too. Thighs are important as well. When it comes to shoulders, I have pretty muscular shoulders somehow. My chest is fine at the top, but halfway down it turns into a complete mushy mess. I don't like it! It's gross and it's going to go. My chest is really the one thing that bothers me most. It makes me feel like a girl, and I don't like that. I need to work on my pecs. 
    I'm really tired of all the diet research I've done tonight. I'll have to post current pictures and goal weights and plan of action soon. Until then, keep on keeping on!
dior, &lt;lj user=&quot;1964&quot;&gt;

So sick of trying to fight so hard.

So I'm on a forum where I can post my bmi and stuff and be flamed so I can (hopefully) get more in shape and lose more weight. I'm at 28 right now, which is technically overweight. I've tried hard the past few weeks, but motivation just hasn't come easily. So now I'm on a pro-ana forum in the hopes of getting myself back down to where I was when I felt good, which was 140 lbs. I'm also taking lots of thinspiration into my thoughts, like those lovely pics of Nicole Richie, etc.
I'm just sick of not being able to wear any of my clothes, and feeling so bloated.
Yesterday I had a turkey sandwich on whole wheat bread with a teaspoon of ranch dressing, but by 3 pm I completely caved in and ordered take-out from Chick-fil-a, which only made me feel worse bc I ordered a Large combo meal. But I didn't eat anything else for the rest of the day until I got home, and I ate a small thing of butterscotch pudding with an alli pill.
Hopefully I'm losing weight. I got to get off the fast food though. Maybe limiting myself to once a week.
I'm ana because I can't purge. Binging would be nice, but purging is too hard for me.
dior, &lt;lj user=&quot;1964&quot;&gt;

Porcelain

I'm in an intensely bad mood right now. My hair is a fried up, diced up mess of blonde and I really just want to cry about it, but what good would that ever do?
I wanted to go platinum because I want to signify to the world how much I've changed in the past year. I wanted to show how full of life I am, and I wanted to look like my idols. I wanted to be a blondehaired beauty. Instead I ended up looking like a billy idol remake. I thought it couldn't get worse then it did, I became fryed. Now my hair is this strawberry blonde and my skin is olive and it looks weird. Basically my coloring looks like a rancid fruit salad.
I just want to be fabulous, thats all I ask. I just wanted to make people love me. I know thats extremely sad of me to be so wretched, so stupid, so flawed. But I have this Marilyn thing where I really want to be the male version of Marilyn. Sounds gay right? Well I just want to be lusted for, longed for, thought of, and compared to. I just want to be a sex symbol. I want to be loved. The sex part is stupid to me anyway. Sex is only a ridiculous expansive session with reflexes and lies. I don't believe its a bad thing to want to be lusted after. Its the ultimate power. Its in the eyes really. I just want to be photographed and I want to make love to the camera.
How long do I have to wait? How long do I need to keep this cherade up hoping someone discovers me? That's not going to happen. I have to show the world who I am and I wanted to do it now. Its hard when your hair is fryed orangey and your skin is pallid and pale.
How long will I slide?
  • Current Mood
    curious curious
dior, &lt;lj user=&quot;1964&quot;&gt;

Happy happy joy joy.

So basically I just had a really good class and I wanted to say why. Last wednesday I had a test I didn't study for and I was extremely nervous about. I had tons to memorize and I didnt, I threw up Wednesday morning and my noon had a migraine and went home. But I took a test in History and found out today that I made a 90 on it. I've been handpicked to be a panelist for a panel to talk about computers at the school, and I made the only A, in my class, my average is a b, and after class, my teacher asked my permission to use my essay as an example for the other classes on what constitutes a perfect essay. I'm SO FREAKING PROUD OF MYSELF. After last year I had to get my ass in gear and ground hard. I'm riding the bull and making the most of what I've been given in most of my classes, except for Spanish, which is getting really hard. But I am proud of my effort, my research and my overall attentiveness to my own needs as a student. GO ME. Can you tell this doesn't happen often?
dior, &lt;lj user=&quot;1964&quot;&gt;

Life

So somehow, ive become the anti-christ because i have opinions. Mom says im the anti christ and "so evil". Im just so upsetted by it all. All i am guilty of is trying to create a new life from all these lies.
dior, &lt;lj user=&quot;1964&quot;&gt;

(no subject)

I miss everything. I miss JE tonight. I know I say it often, but tonight it just must be the collection of the silence around me, swirling through the humidity to choke me. I just don't understand so much about life. I don't understand why so many people die so young. Marilyn Monroe would have been eighty this year. It makes me melancholy to think that life is so short and goes by so wretchedly quickly with such slow pains. I don't understand the sciences of it, and to be honest, I don't think the smartest person at Eton or Yale could explain anything like Love, or life, and the shortness of it. The honesty of it all is that it matters who you've loved, because thats the person that God sent to you for a brief shining moment to breathe you, live you, and in some cases, worship. I miss my JE tonight. It hurts especially badly sometimes when I don't intend to think of it at all. But then there it is, sloping down to surround me until I feel the only release is to run away and hide and cry until it passes; this feeling that I'll never have anything like that ever again. The rest of the world seems winter compared to the warmth I've known. I've known warmth stronger than this earth could ever in all her jealousy, generate. I am not ashamed of the one I've loved. I'm not ashamed at all. I miss the moments, those glorious moments of bliss that I know I'll never have on the same level again.
In some ways he is dead to me, and yet, in others, I feel him breathe on me with a lovely thought carried on a dove's feathers.
The other morning we woke to find a dead dove lying on the front steps; and it pained me. I wonder if my JE is breathing, sleeping, and if alone? I consider the possiblilty that he may be resting beside someone who'll never love him the same as I could, or perhaps he is with his new child, reading a story. I wonder if he tells my stories, or the ones we shared. I wonder if I pass by in his mind on pleasant nights, with decent conversation. Or maybe I just pass by on those bottle filled nights when his memory of me is a hazy recollection of my stare.
If this is what it feels like to be in heaven, always wondering about the ones left behind,then I want to go home. I'm always searching for it- never exactly locating the place. It's scattered a bit, here and there, like my memories and my life. Spread from region to region in a metamorpheses of faces and names, half of which we've all forgotten.
I know he thinks of me. I wish he would write, call, perhaps just send hate on the wind with his ciggarette smoke. Any transgression I may have committed is unknown to me. Any thing I may have said or written that would have been offensive or ill-willed, I do not know of it.
I know that tonight I am a man with arms that fall widely empty and cold. And my hands ache for touch, and my heart longs for recollections that are dimming even to my memory.
  • Current Mood
    discontent
dior, &lt;lj user=&quot;1964&quot;&gt;

Going it alone? Gay Marriage post.

So I'm sick of the traditionalists in this country and their anti-gay rhetoric. I've just about had enough of these right-wing idiots starting conversations about it in the name of an argument which they fail to prove.
I'm annoyed with the traditional usage of the ideology that Gay Marriage is a sin. Okay? So apparently we're not intelligent enough in America to take our religion and place it in the abstract and view humanity for what it is-- humanity. It's interesting to me that in this country people are fighting hard against increased government involvement in all matter of life, such as taxes, immigration, and education, but at the same time, these same people feel a need for increased government regulation of a little thing they call, "an instituition,'' or also sometimes called marriage.
I'm also sick of the stupid and unresearched argument that says, ''This country was founded on Judeo-Christian principles." Its ironic that this is a fine detail to bring up when it comes to attacking gay marriage legislation, but it isn't apropas to apply to the individuals who come to america to seek refuge and a better life- you know the ones, sometimes called, "Dirty Mexicans, Wetbacks, and my favorite, illegal aliens." Doesn't the Bible say something about christlike love?
I'm also sick of people saying so much about this crap about seperation of church and state. So ok, I get it! Supposedly it was established so that the Government could never appoint one religion as the 'State religion,' therefore allowing for freedom of the individual to determine what is their religion of choice and to keep the government from interfering in Religious establishment's affairs. I'm curious as to why these so called, grassroots ''Christian'' advocates are so opposed to it? Why is it impossible for them to see that by allowing a government to regulate a religous ideal, [marriage], that they run a serious risk of becoming unpatriotic in theme and threaten their very religous freedoms and instituitons. It's always easy to cheer on the government when they're passing legislation that you believe in, but even then, it is wise to question and approach regulations with distrust. I fully believe in standing behind what you say. Why is it, that the ten commandments couldn't be placed in a courthouse in Alabama, because it would be offensive and inhibiting for certain individuals? How then, can a government which is supposedly democratic, preaching freedom, allow itself to inhibit the rights of some of their citizens to life, liberty and pursuit of happiness? I'm offended! Doesn't anyone give a damn about that?
It is appalling that we are supposedly fighting a war in Iraq which we all know is a complete failure. Its even more appalling that this President has used the argument that we should stay to continue to liberate the oppressed citizens of that country, and at the same time, is oppressing an entire generation of individuals who are being mistreated just for their sexual prefrences.

It is stupid that we continue to try to ''Spread Democracy,'' when it seems at this moment that democracy is dead in America. It makes the whole ideal seem an illusion and a lie. But I am forced to think of those individuals throughout this nation's history of bereavement of the rights of certain citizens and groups; those like Rosa Parks, who wanted a seat just the same as anyone else. She'd worked hard, and deserved her seat. How about Susan B. Anthony, who believed that women deserved a right previously held only by men? What about Anne Hutchinson, who was banished from her homeland of Puritan New England just because she believed Women were just as able as men to hold Bible Classes and lectures? It's ironic that these examples, a few out of many, are women. Gays are often seen as a malicious feminine-type group who threaten the family unit. How interesting. Okay, not really, considering individuals like Britney Spears (with her twentyfour hour marriage) and Elizabeth Taylor (with 8 marriages under her belt), have made wonderful strides to promote the family unit and uphold it's virtues.
The bottom line is that this country is going to hell, again. It happened while women were held in bondage, African Americans were denyed rights, and now that Gays and lesbians are being denyed basic human rights as well. Perhaps this new generation, or perhaps mine, will be the ones to challenge tradition, and surge this country foward with the ideals this country was founded upon: equality, justice, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. How then, can these individuals who have emblazoned their hate on so many call themselves Conservatives, when all they do is preach an limited ideal that is contrary to three hundred years of a quest for equality? And worse, these people like to claim that they are American and Patriotic! My God! This is a country that was based from it's begining all the way until now, on the idea of rebellion and a distrust of all governments and legislators!
These people who are so anti-gay marriage are therefore preaching the most liberal and socialist agendas of any one group in this nation at the present time. They are the enemy to equality, the stonewall to justice, the purveyors of hate, and the continued idiots that seek to destroy the greek and roman ideals this country was created from.

I'm always reminded of Thomas Jefferson, who took great strides to bring equality to humanity with his moving literature and documents about the very subject. You may have heard of one of them- the constitution. He also held slaves until he died. They were freed upon his death. He is a perfect example of someone who lived in a society that was contrary to his beliefs as a humanitarian. He was forced to obey convention in an effort to have any say politically at all. He believed one thing, but lived another. He held slaves yet believed in liberating them. Some people would call him flawed and hypocritical. I call him brilliant.
If each side of the argument would take an abstract stand from their own lives, just as jefferson has done, they would be able to see the issues more clearly and more adjunctly. With such clarity, who knows what issues and boundaries would be shifted down, in order to usher in a new era of peace and prosperity. You must be able to look adjunctly at the world abstract from your religion, your notions from family and birth, and the ideaologies you have formed. You must look at humanity- at the faces, at the individuals.
dior, &lt;lj user=&quot;1964&quot;&gt;

(no subject)

*This is completely venting. If you dont think you can handle my rage, and want to start shit with me because you think you're somehow included in this annonymity, then dont read it. I don't need shit right now.*

So basically I've been feeling completely tied down or like I'm running in place for the past few days.
I know I'm not on my man period, because that was just two weeks ago. But It's annoying to me because It's inhibiting my productivity.
Among the issues annoying me is the feeling that noone wants to return my calls (and or) contact me at all. It's getting me a bit upset. So don't be suprised if I turn off the cell for a while.
I'm also annoyed at the fact that I'm working really hard, (minus the past week and a half) on fitness, and it seems like I'm sabataging myself, or everyone else sabatages my plan.
Like, for instance, Melissa and I started walking three weeks ago with the intention of walking three days a week. Since that week we've walked twice. No lie. Everytime something comes up. It upsets me because I cut back on yoga to start this walking in the morning. I really am annoyed that Im not walking or doing yoga, because I switched my routine up to help someone else and they sort have left me hanging dry.
I'm annoyed that School starts soon and I have to get my math ass in gear, so that I can place out of that stupid fuckin assrank class that makes me want to blow up things and drop out of school. It makes me feel stupid.
I'm also just annoyed at my lack of interest for either of my jobs lately. I want to jetset, rocket, and be tanned and fabulous. Everyone else is running around going on trips and junk, and I'm stuck here, doing nothing, and noone even cares. Noone returns my calls, noone calls me at all. Which is annoying, because I like to feel like I'm important to my friends, and noone is making the effort to showcase that.
I've been budgeting money to buy friends junk and stuff, but screw that. Josh is getting a new cellphone so I can call nobody.
As you can see Im just pissed. Im annoyed. I need a vacation. I need a weekend away. I need something.
So basically this is a screw everything post.
dior, &lt;lj user=&quot;1964&quot;&gt;

Dreams like crystal visions

This is a dream I had at about 8:00 this morning.

I dreamed that I was in my car, at a bojangles parking lot, during the morning, just after sunrise, and it was very dim still. There was the usual breakfast crowd lined up at the drive through in their cars. I recall one of them being a white older sedan type vehicle. There was a family in an SUV, that was hunter green. They got out of their car, (They were parked in the parking lot next to the sidewalk beside me) and walked to the upper corner of the parking lot, where there were woods. It was felt or expressed that there was something to see, or be loaded there. The family was a mother, father, older daughter and a young woman. They were all older than I.
I hopped into their open car for some reason, and I looked around. I had my backpack with me. It occured to me how easily I could just steal the car, since the keys were inside. I didnt. Instead I climbed into the car of these strange two guys and a girl.
It was an old brown ghettofied car, and the boys were scally looking and the girl was probably a punk. We were waiting in the drive through. They didn't mind me being with them, as I had charmed them with talk of music and life etc.
There suddenly came to our attention after about thirty minutes in line, that there was another lane to the drive through. We drove it, only to discover it led to a sign that said, "Closed," and led tothe road. They were mad. They stormed off through it and onto the main road.
They hopped onto Interstate 40, and I asked if they could take me to my car. They said no. I asked if they were kidnapping me. The driver, with blue eyes, said "not unless you want us to, for fifty bucks." I laughed, it was indeed a silly notion. And the girl asked the boys if they'd like to have sex with me, and they said nah, but the one in the passenger seat said it could be fun, since I have pretty eyes. I was disgusted but kept my cool. We kept driving, and it became clear we were headed north towards virgina somehow, and I was afraid. We started driving through uptown charlotte, and I aksed them to let me out, and they let me out right in Center City.
Somehow my Grandma appeared and the people in the car became my family. I wasnt scared because i had my cellphone and I could just call someone to come get me.
I climbedout and took my grandma inside some building filled with shops. I was suddenly at my store where i work, and i gathered together all these strange vases and books about Jackie O and Princess Di that I had been carrrying about.
There was some lady in a little store, and I asked her if she would buy the vases, and she said no, she would not carry them, but she had the same ones inside, so she made me mad.
Then the little secretary in the lobby, jumped up, and announced that Mrs Johnson was coming, and was here. Everyone rattled to and fro, with excitement. I thought she meant Lady Bird Johnson. But I wasn't impressed with anything and I thought the whole place just stupid and overpriced and arrogant, so i made a scene of myself by repacking my backpack full of my things. I was holding my three Princess Diana books when she walked in. Her hair the same as I recall it always has been, her eyes blue and sparkling. And she walked to a shelf of crystal figurines and began to pick through them, grabbing up a crystal ball. I watched her, until she saw me. I smiled naturally, and she smiled, and as she did, her eyes glistened and I felt my body warm.
She said hello.
Soon Harry and Wills and Earl Spencer came in. I didnt recognize Earl, and she introduced him as if we were in the same social circles in the UK. I noticed as I spoke that I had a british lilt to my accent.
As we began to pad around, and bodyguards and assistants came in, and the press began to flash lightbulbs through the windows, Earl asked if I knew him, and I said no, but that I recognized Harry and Wills and knew that he was Lady Di's brother. And he smiled, like I had complimented him in some way.
I shook hands with Harry and Wills, and Wills was the grown up wills, although it was clear that we were in 1997, before Dianas death.
It must have been July, as it is now, Because Earl asked Diana when did she want him to begin to speak publicly and try to bring England together. She replied something or another as she picked through her bag, and I replied, "In August," under my breath, and they all looked at me strangely. I looked at Diana in her black, fitted coat, and I noticed how small her waist was. And I realized she was still bulemic, but only for fashion's sake. "In august," I replied, and then I woke up.
dior, &lt;lj user=&quot;1964&quot;&gt;

Going it alone?

So everythings been going well, Just peachy actually. I'm working so hard to get myself into tip-top shape for the next two years, so auditions, etc will all present themselves.
I'm really happy lately though, maybe because my good graces above are finally begining to reward me here below, sending me lots of suitors for love. I think this is a good thing, it certainly helps my confidence in myself improve.
Everyday I'm learning something new about myself and about the world. Its not only showing me that I have everything I need right now, but its showing me that I have the answer to make myself anything I see fit. I'm believing in myself, and thats important. Im living for everything I know and I am. And I know it's going to be a crazy, bumpy ride, but it's going to be a beautiful ride too. Who wants to go along?
  • Current Music
    James Blunt- Fall At Your Feet