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Jan. 26th, 2008

dior, <lj user="1964">

Flying So High

 So It's been a while, quite a while. And that makes me realize even more that I have to do something about my weight. I've been ana for about a year, but I haven't lost any weight. I skip, but it never affects anything. My parents are both obese, which makes me feel even more of a need to get myself in control. I simply will not let myself get to be like that. I feel so fat.
   Theres a layer of fat around my sides, and I have a little man-boob problem. I've simply got to get rid of it! I'm so tired of starting diets though, because I know that usually they won't work, and I'll be left feeling overwhelmed and like a failure again. I've done the pills, the meals, the plans, the schedule, gosh. None of it really works. Maybe I'm just lazy. I have to get rid of this weight! It's killing me. It's not a lot, but I have a BMI of 25.8.  That's not that bad right? Well look at this:

BMI Categories:

  • Underweight = <18.5
  • Normal weight = 18.5-24.9
  • Overweight = 25-29.9
  • Obesity = BMI of 30 or greater

    Scary Huh? Just a few more pounds and I'd be at obesity; not where I want to be. Not only is my weight a problem, but I just really wanna get the figure I've always wanted. I want to get muscular calves, and some good definition in the abdominals, not abs, but some healthy lines. I want some good arm muscles too. Thighs are important as well. When it comes to shoulders, I have pretty muscular shoulders somehow. My chest is fine at the top, but halfway down it turns into a complete mushy mess. I don't like it! It's gross and it's going to go. My chest is really the one thing that bothers me most. It makes me feel like a girl, and I don't like that. I need to work on my pecs. 
    I'm really tired of all the diet research I've done tonight. I'll have to post current pictures and goal weights and plan of action soon. Until then, keep on keeping on!
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Aug. 29th, 2007

dior, &lt;lj user=&quot;1964&quot;&gt;

So sick of trying to fight so hard.

So I'm on a forum where I can post my bmi and stuff and be flamed so I can (hopefully) get more in shape and lose more weight. I'm at 28 right now, which is technically overweight. I've tried hard the past few weeks, but motivation just hasn't come easily. So now I'm on a pro-ana forum in the hopes of getting myself back down to where I was when I felt good, which was 140 lbs. I'm also taking lots of thinspiration into my thoughts, like those lovely pics of Nicole Richie, etc.
I'm just sick of not being able to wear any of my clothes, and feeling so bloated.
Yesterday I had a turkey sandwich on whole wheat bread with a teaspoon of ranch dressing, but by 3 pm I completely caved in and ordered take-out from Chick-fil-a, which only made me feel worse bc I ordered a Large combo meal. But I didn't eat anything else for the rest of the day until I got home, and I ate a small thing of butterscotch pudding with an alli pill.
Hopefully I'm losing weight. I got to get off the fast food though. Maybe limiting myself to once a week.
I'm ana because I can't purge. Binging would be nice, but purging is too hard for me.

May. 18th, 2007

dior, &lt;lj user=&quot;1964&quot;&gt;


I'm in an intensely bad mood right now. My hair is a fried up, diced up mess of blonde and I really just want to cry about it, but what good would that ever do?
I wanted to go platinum because I want to signify to the world how much I've changed in the past year. I wanted to show how full of life I am, and I wanted to look like my idols. I wanted to be a blondehaired beauty. Instead I ended up looking like a billy idol remake. I thought it couldn't get worse then it did, I became fryed. Now my hair is this strawberry blonde and my skin is olive and it looks weird. Basically my coloring looks like a rancid fruit salad.
I just want to be fabulous, thats all I ask. I just wanted to make people love me. I know thats extremely sad of me to be so wretched, so stupid, so flawed. But I have this Marilyn thing where I really want to be the male version of Marilyn. Sounds gay right? Well I just want to be lusted for, longed for, thought of, and compared to. I just want to be a sex symbol. I want to be loved. The sex part is stupid to me anyway. Sex is only a ridiculous expansive session with reflexes and lies. I don't believe its a bad thing to want to be lusted after. Its the ultimate power. Its in the eyes really. I just want to be photographed and I want to make love to the camera.
How long do I have to wait? How long do I need to keep this cherade up hoping someone discovers me? That's not going to happen. I have to show the world who I am and I wanted to do it now. Its hard when your hair is fryed orangey and your skin is pallid and pale.
How long will I slide?

Nov. 3rd, 2006

dior, &lt;lj user=&quot;1964&quot;&gt;

Happy happy joy joy.

So basically I just had a really good class and I wanted to say why. Last wednesday I had a test I didn't study for and I was extremely nervous about. I had tons to memorize and I didnt, I threw up Wednesday morning and my noon had a migraine and went home. But I took a test in History and found out today that I made a 90 on it. I've been handpicked to be a panelist for a panel to talk about computers at the school, and I made the only A, in my class, my average is a b, and after class, my teacher asked my permission to use my essay as an example for the other classes on what constitutes a perfect essay. I'm SO FREAKING PROUD OF MYSELF. After last year I had to get my ass in gear and ground hard. I'm riding the bull and making the most of what I've been given in most of my classes, except for Spanish, which is getting really hard. But I am proud of my effort, my research and my overall attentiveness to my own needs as a student. GO ME. Can you tell this doesn't happen often?

Aug. 10th, 2006

dior, &lt;lj user=&quot;1964&quot;&gt;


So somehow, ive become the anti-christ because i have opinions. Mom says im the anti christ and "so evil". Im just so upsetted by it all. All i am guilty of is trying to create a new life from all these lies.

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